Ashley James is best known for starring in E4’s hit show Made In Chelsea when she joined the cast for a whirlwind two series, leaving in 2013. Aside from Chelsea, she’s also a model, TV presenter and blogger. Here, Ashley throws the doors open to her personal life as she reveals all on her battle with depression and anxiety for the very first time.
‘I first wrote this in January, and decided against posting it in fear of what people might think. I revisited it following the tragic death of Peaches Geldof. I never knew Peaches personally but I was overcome with sadness over her passing. Why? Well, largely due to the fact that I am way too empathetic. But secondly, because I was heartbroken that another young individual lost their life so young. Had I known her I might have been able to support her. “You can’t help everyone Ashley”, my boyfriend said. But why not?
Recently I saw a young mother aggressively shouting at her child, then leaning into the pram taking happy selfies. How very revealing, I thought. They say a picture tells a thousand words, but are those words accurate? Social media is about enhancing your life and making the mundane look extraordinary – with the help of filters of course.
I am a perfect example of that. On the outside, and according to my social media pages, 2013 looked wonderful; being on TV, working as a presenter and model, and attending parties with interesting people. “I wish I had your life”, people would say. What people didn’t know is during much of 2013 I was suffering from extreme anxiety and isolating depression. When I wasn’t pouting and posing into a camera, I was crying, panicking, and utterly convinced that no one liked me. My self-esteem had hit rock bottom.
If you are lucky enough to have never experienced depression or anxiety let me try to explain it. You know that nervous feeling before you go on stage? Before you talk in front of everyone at school or work? Imagine having THAT feeling of impending dread with you 24 hours a day. Have you ever had a friend, a lover, a teacher, or a boss who constantly puts you down and makes you feel terrible? The beauty of having negative people in your life is that you can walk away from them, but when that voice is coming from your own head you can’t escape. That once very happy and positive person very quickly loses their mojo, their charisma, and their spark.
I’m a very proud and positive person, so how did I share my inner torment? I didn’t. The problem with faking happiness is it’s exhausting. The more you fake it the more you feel you are putting up walls, which inevitably shut people out. Putting a mask on to strangers is quite common; hiding behind a mask to loved ones is incredibly isolating. I felt the need to hide my real self – who would love an anxious, depressed, ‘negative’ person? I was ashamed of my thoughts, and felt utterly alone. On my worst days I would skive work and spend the day lying between the wall and my bed and cry. I was tired of pretending and was convinced I was a burden to those around me.
I am on the mend. I still suffer from anxiety from time to time and worry about things I shouldn’t, but who doesn’t?
What made me feel better? Talking.
I’m not telling my story for sympathy – there are millions of people much more deserving of your thoughts and I’m fully aware that on paper my life is ideal. That’s the thing about depression – there doesn’t have to be anything ‘wrong’.
I am sharing my story so if you are suffering, you know you are not alone. If you’ve never suffered then spare a thought to what people might be feeling behind closed doors. Being depressed in our society is taboo. I want people to feel able to speak out. And for us all to not judge a book by its cover – or a person by their social media pages.
If my story makes a difference to one person, then I’m happy I told it.
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